To you, my maybe future little baby…

 

I would like to share my emotions with you, my maybe future little one. You know, I already love you so much! I have so much love to share with you. I have been waiting for you and hoping for you for several years. Since I became a mother, my heart has been bursting with love. It is stronger than me, I need it. Transmitting so much love can only be beneficial.

But you know, life, the body, genetics are complicated. Your future big brother is such an endearing little boy, he is incredibly pure and angelically beautiful, but your future big brother Logan came with his share of complications. He is a little boy who is a prisoner of his body and his mind. That is why you are not here yet, in the pit of my belly. If you ever decide to settle down, you will not be bigger than a strawberry before they steal your little shelter. Unfortunately, that is very dangerous if you do not hold on tight enough, mom and dad will have another mourning to do. You know, your big brother is extremely brave and strong! He knows about injections and operations. But does mom want to inflict that on you, but also on her? Because that's not all my little one, mom is special too. When she has a hormonal surge her blood clots, so mom takes little pills every day. If you point out the tip of a little red line then it's risky for her too.

On top of all that, there is also the physical burden that adds to my expectations. Having you always with me, in addition to the monthly hospital appointments for your big brother an hour away. Dragging you around in your shell, in your stroller with Logan's wheelchair. Will you have the energy that I give to your maybe big brother? Will Logan's fragility allow me to take care of a little one, who also needs so much?

But me, maybe a future little baby, I need you!

I need your love.

I need your laughter.

I need your hugs.

I need to see you crawl, walk, run.

I need to hear you call me mom for the first time.

I need you to grow up and accompany your brother.

I also need you to be there when your brother leaves, otherwise what will my life have been for?

I need you to hold on to some positive hope.

On the other hand, my emotions are contradictory. I find myself individualistic in wanting you for myself and I am afraid.

I'm afraid that you're different too, but beyond that I'm afraid of the world we live in.

The unhappy society you will grow up in, you will always have to surpass yourself to have a better life. I already have a lot of difficulty appreciating the daily life of my time, so where will yours be?

The planet I leave you, pollution. Our planet is sick and will you be happy in such an ugly world? With oceans full of waste and fewer and fewer animals. In addition to an individualistic society and full of mental health that is not taken care of, people who ring false…

Am I selfish for wanting you for my own unconditional happiness?

Do you have to go through all of this to ultimately not love the life I hope for us?

Is it wrong to want you to fulfill something?

Above all, can I accept that I don't know you? Can I accept that I'm the mom with unreal needs for only one chapter of my life? Can I accept that when Logan leaves us, I'll never be anyone's mom again?

Am I really capable of giving up on you?

These questions haunt me and I have no answers…

Warrior Mom