This big brother who took another route…

October 15 - Perinatal Bereavement Awareness Day

It's funny because yesterday, my children talked to me again about their big brother or sister who is in heaven. I always had the feeling that it was a "he" so for the rest of the text it will be a boy... I never believed that my story is really different from many others (because as we know, 1 in 5 pregnancies are affected), but I still wanted to share with you my feelings at this moment. To soften the hearts of those who are going through it right now, so that you feel less alone...

Back in 2008, I am 8 weeks pregnant and everything is fine. We had been waiting for the + on the stick for 1 1/2 years before it caught on. During the week, I have small brownish discharge but no pain or pulling that I didn't already have. On Saturday, I lose a clot and a little pink blood, a little stomach ache but I feel that something is wrong. I go to the emergency room where I wait until midnight. Finally they can't do an ultrasound, I have to come back on Monday and at the same time do a blood test to check the HCG level. For the moment, it was a little below normal but it could still be within the limits.

Sunday I take it easy and no losses on the horizon. Monday morning I wake up and get ready to go to the hospital for my 8:30 ultrasound. My boyfriend has already left for work (he was still in the army at the time), so I go alone. Just before getting up, I know something is wrong. I have cramps that come in bursts, and my heart is beating way too fast. I go to the bathroom and there I feel it go. I saw the little bag with the little shrimp inside. Unable to flush, I kept it in a big spoon to let it go with my boyfriend when he came back. Okay, this part makes us laugh a little now because given my fascination with the human body, I didn't see anything disgusting there. Another story for my man lol.

Anyway, they were still waiting for me at the hospital. The part that remains etched in my memory (and which is the hardest for me) will follow. I knew that I had lost our baby, but we still had to do the ultrasound to be sure that everything had passed. I had to go up to the floor where they do the maternity follow-ups. In the waiting room, there were 2 couples waiting with big bellies, to meet their little love. Judging by the size of their bellies, they were both probably at their 2nd ultrasound. I was waiting alone, through their happiness, to be told if everything had passed or if I would have to have a curettage. 20 VERY long minutes with my eyes in tears, holding myself back from bursting into tears. Because even if I wasn't having a great time, I still cared about theirs, I didn't want to ruin it for them and for them to remember the girl who was crying with them in the room! I can tell you that I stayed in the bathroom for a while after the ultrasound before going back to the waiting room, my stomach in knots with pain.

The following days were painful, both emotionally and physically. The doctor prescribed me an anti-inflammatory because I had cramps that were close to contractions for 3 or 4 days afterwards. And life slowly returned to normal, each month we waited for the + on the stick.

5 years passed before we could welcome our rainbow baby. For 2 of the 3 other pregnancies, I had red blood loss the first 2 months, something that stressed me out a lot but in the end everything was ok! 2 years apart now separate our tornadoes, more than in health, but we still remember the big brother who followed another path 🤍